Hero's Code

Emotional Trajectory

Here is an interesting exercise to explore your emotional intelligence.  This is an exercise I have heard from a number of sources.

Imagine you are a four-year-old child and you are offered the following choice.  I’m in the room with you at first but I now have to run an errand.  I place a marshmallow on the table in front of you and tell you that if you don’t touch this one and wait until I get back, you can have two marshmallows.  I also tell you that if you can’t wait until I get back you can only have one marshmallow but you can have it now.  What would you do?

According to research conducted at Stanford University in the 1960’s the choice you make tells us a lot about the character of the child - and your likely success trajectory through life.  In the original research, the four-year olds were studied for twelve to fourteen years in follow-up. 

Those kids able to resist the short term temptation for a higher payoff later were found to grow up to be more socially competent, personally effective, self-assertive and better able to cope with the ups and downs of life. These adolescents were confident, self-reliant, dependable and trustworthy and tended to use their initiative.

The few kids who couldn’t resist grabbing the single marshmallow straight away were more likely to become shy, stubborn, indecisive and easily upset by difficulties.  They tended to see themselves as unworthy and were mistrustful of others.  This led to fights as they always expected rewards in life straight away.

I’m frightened to ask you what your choice would have been as a four-year old.

Can it be true that our emotional intelligence is plotted out by such an early age?
Even if it is, the truth is we can change it and you are well on the way to doing so.

No Surrender

When should we compromise and when should we give in?  It is easy to believe that the only way we can live in today's complex world is through compromise. 

But hang on - there are two kinds of compromise. 

One type is the moment to moment blending of our words and deeds with the environment and the people around us. 

The second type of compromise is based on surrender or escape.  It's that time when we lack the energy or will to struggle through to the achievement of our goals, dreams and aspirations.

Most of the time, most of us choose to compromise on our dreams out of personal convenience, greed or simple laziness.  I meet a lot of people who want success but never quite manage to generate and sustain the self-belief, the excitement and the commitment to see things to fruition. 

As human beings of course we have the right and privilege to let go of our dreams but why do we do so this easily?

But there are complications.  Take me for an instance.  In my heart I know that for many years I unconsciously associated success with struggle.  This had the curious effect of driving me on to achieve success but denying me of any real sense of pleasure. The problem you see was that  by living with an association between success and struggle, I could never stop to enjoy the fruits of my labours.  If I wasn't struggling onward I couldn't deep inside believe that I was a success.  It took me a long time to choose a better way to compromise.

I chose to change my associations for better ones.  My intention has become to only work on fun projects with fun people - and it has been curious how more and more that simple intention has brought exactly those things into my life. 

In letting go of struggle I haven't compromised on my goals.  For my personal goals there can never be surrender and certainly no compromise.  My upbringing and my conditioning was to never accept compromise.  My karate teacher said that if you want to be great you have to work hard.  If your training partner works for one hour you must work for ten.  If your partner works for ten hours you must work for one hundred.  You know how it is when you have truly inspiring personal goals.  Working on them is fun and compromise out of the question.

Doing the wrong things - often

What would be the worst sin - taking action to convert what you know into a realworld result - and failing - or having the knowledge burning inside and never taking action in the first place?   

I for one have made lots of mistakes and although no one could be happy about that "in the moment," the truth is I have always managed to look back and realise that I had gained valuable lessons.

Mistakes have certainly cost me money, sleep and the colour of my hair.  I have a loving partner thank goodness and I fear that at times my entrepreneurial excesses may have been more stressful for her than for me.  The alternative of inaction and dreaming though would have been unthinkable for me. 

The belief I have is that people dont make enough mistakes.  We are taught at school to get things right and many of us were good at that, but in the world of business there are no well-conditioned problems or perfect solutions.  When faced with uncertainty many of us choose not to play the game and consequently never enjoy the special joy that comes from success that almost surprises us.

Bernie Siegel tells a nice story in his book "Prescriptions for Living." 

A comtractor was hired to pave a driveway in a neighborhood where he had never worked before.  He paved the driveway when the owners were away and then sent his invoice for payment.  The owner returned and somewhat surprised, called the contractor. 

It seems the contractor made a mistake and had paved the wrong driveway. Even though the owner offered to pay something, the contractor refused all payment saying that it was totally his mistake. He moved his equipment up the street and paved the correct driveway this time.

Do you think that the contractor suffered because of his mistake?  In actual fact, because of his actions the whole neighborhood talked of his correct behaviour and whoever needed a driveway in the area called this guy.  He had more business through his mistake than he could have bought with advertising.

Mistakes will be made if we want to achieve anything worthwhile and they are great opportunities to learn.  We need to be able to acknowledge our mistakes and say sorry when necessary.  And we also need to be able to forgive the mistakes of others.  But just a second - Now there are mistakes and there are - mistakes.  If we were learning to walk a high wire it makes sense to start with a wire that is close to the ground. That way a fall doesn't hurt.  We can fall often and just get back on the wire until we can traverse it in our sleep.

When we are ready to work at a greater height we can certainly look for a harness or a safety net, but we also have the confidence that comes from doing the wrong things lots of times.

Unlearning what we know

Have you noticed how people and their organisations trap themselves firmly in what they know?

"This worked in the past and it will work now."
"The trend has always been upward and  I will bet this company's future that it will continue."
"Customers have been happy with this in the past - it must be what they want now."

Knowledge and experience are so appealing, especially in a changing and unpredictable world because they feel comfortable and secure.  That is why they are so dangerous.  They become habits.

But which way are you supposed to go in the strange unpredictable future?  It takes a special person to trust themselves to unlearn the habits of the past.

Salespeople can trap their prospects in knowledge too.  They might say "My job is to educate the customer on our products." 

Whilst there is always value in providing customers with information that matches their needs, too often "education" takes the form of a canned speech or a Powerpoint presentation designed by head office - exactly the type of non-learning that put us into a trance at school.

If you love to sell for a living there is probably a different edge to what you do.  Call it "confidence" or "trust" or "state management".  I like to trust myself to say whatever seems appropriate in the moment but I am never in a hurry to speak.  As your breathing matches your customers breathing remember to smile.  Say to yourself "Everything that comes to mind now is a gift to share with this person."

Resisting the impulse to speak as soon as something comes to mind gives you a curious power.  When you have something to say - pause - speak only when something to say has you.

Goals to feel bad about

I was in my local bookshop today and found myself in the self-help section. From the volume of books in this area I would guess that there are a lot of people looking for help. Now I like to learn and I enjoy books but sometimes I have to kick myself and give myself a reminder that thoughts entertain but it is action that pays the bills.

There are times when positive thinking is not enough. And you know what - some people seem to think that we should be able to "iron out" the highs and lows of our feelings so that we never can have an off day.

A friend of mine had a personal tragedy, and because he is an NLP master practitioner, he actually had some acquaintances say to him that he had no right to feel bad. The logic being that he should be able to use his techniques to snap out of it. My personal experience is that there are times that I just choose to allow feeling bad. I may know I can change the way I see things but sometimes allowing yourself to feel bad is just the right thing to do.

It’s important to know that not one of us can be in a truly resourceful state every minute of every day. After all, we recognise our truly empowered and happy moments only by contrast with our deflated moments. The fact is that life is very much about cycles and about opposites. We can only have “up” because there is a “down”. We only have “light” because there is a “dark”.

Perhaps we should just accept that sometimes we will be highly motivated and a true positive thinker and sometimes just a miserable so and so?

What I also know is that the longer you and I can keep in a focused and positive state of mind, the better our results and the more satisfying will be the people, places and things we attract. Because, life is very much about cycles we can always choose to recognise that if today you feel low and demotivated an upswing can never be far a way. The more you can focus on the coming upswing the faster it arrives.

I believe that when you really have the desire for something, you will have no problems keeping your mind on what you want. If you can’t do that you in business or in your life in general you need to work on your desire. Why is it so few people seem to set goals that really excite them?

The key then is to take effective action that feeds on the power of that desire with faith and persistence that you will succeed. World-class performers in anything choose their thoughts with care and they question their beliefs and those of others. Sadly, most people never have original thoughts – they repeat the thoughts they had the day before.

The difference between the world class and the good or average performer can be as thin as a razors edge – notice that when the world champion has a bad day, he or she will still keep taking the steps. The average performer takes a day off.

Screwing Your Relationship Capital

I recently had an opportunity to work with a team of specialists inside a large software company. This group of professionals provide services to executives only within their company and they were worried that these execs see them as an "endagered" species. In fact, I had been asked to attend to facilitate some ideas on how they might develop better relationships with their clients.

The brief was a bit vague and so I was grateful to sit in on their meeting prior to my bit. I listened to the language they used to describe the various relationships with their clients. It went something like this..

He is an insidious force They are the three dark forces He would stab us in the back Wouldn't want to meet him in a dark alley He is a real problem child He is potentially very scary We are an ant on his butt He could make or break us

..and more like this.

When it was my turn to lead the session, they were looking for a set of recipies, tips and hints that would help them transform the relationships with their clients. I suppose I could just stick with what they expected - after all, my client was willing to pay for that kind of stuff.

Maybe its my age but there are definitely times when the client doesn't know what's best. I don't think I will be asked back. From my viewpoint, why should I teach them language patterns and tricks of influence when all they would do is layer them on top of a bunch of insincere feelings.

Surely the right thing for them to do if they want other people to change the way they perceive them is to change themselves first. This group couldn't believe that the most authentic and often effective way of inducing change in others is to "go there first"

The truth of the quiet box

I wonder if we agree that the truth of things is elusive.  I have taken pride - a mistake I know - in my ability to judge others and yet have found myself in the past with business partners that were on a very different path to me.  We look at out politicians and wonder who we can trust.  It is all to easy to be dazzled by surface appearance and be attracted to the flashy technique or the loud spectacle.  But is there truth here?

The Master said, "Think on this now.  I have here two small wooden boxes of the same size."  Holding up the boxes one at a time he told his students, "Listen. When I knock on this one, a loud sound resonates around the room.  When I knock on this other one, there is hardly any sound at all."

"Now tell me, from our experience of such things, what do we already know about the loud-sounding box?" asked the Master.  The students understood that the box was empty.

"And what do you make of the quiet box?" asked the Master again.  The students recognised that this box was full of something.

Now the Master posed a question.  "Tell me, with human enterprise in mind, do we use the lessons of the wooden boxes?"

A student answered at once, "We certainly do not, Master.  We only take notice of who makes the loudest noise .  We don't pay attention to the quiet one."

A second student spoke up.  "I can see what you are suggesting but in our democracy the majority rules.  What the majority believes is desireable is supported and will grow in influence as a result."

"I agree," replied the Master.  "But keep in mind that the value of an idea or of a belief is is not determined by how many people believe it or choose to follow it."

In times gone by the majority may have believed that the world were flat or that the sun moved around the Earth.  The majority idea it didn't make it a fact.

There may be a deeper law that is separate from the ideas of majority and minority.  If this law exists it will lie within each of us awaiting cultivation .

Strategy

A friend of mine who is relatively new to coaching asked if I could advise him on something that was troubling him.  He had a coaching client who in the course of their meeting had a revelation that simply blew away a problem he had been facing.  My friend was concerned that he felt as if he had done nothing – he had simply been there for his client and in his heart wasn’t sure that he had deserved his fee. 

I found this quite funny because my friend was in the mistaken belief that coaching is necessarily about a state of “doing” – my feeling is that often mastery in coaching or consulting is very much about a state of “being.”  And that is very much worth paying for.

When a coach is thinking too much about what she or he has to do then invariably their focus is in the wrong place.  I want my attention to be totally on the client, providing them with a safe space to step back perhaps and get a new perspective on their issues.  The last thing I should be thinking about is “first I will ask this question and maybe then I will ask that question.”  The most powerful interventions are those where the client’s problems simply go away and the coach gets the blame for it.

As a coach we allow clients to get a different perspective on their issues – they are the ones that should solve their problems.

My Maori friend Hirini Reedy clued me into a neat metaphor for problem solving based on the patterns of the fern frond.  The idea stems from the warrior arts of the Maori people.

Nature has always taught humankind. The Maori are no different. The animals, the trees, the weather patterns, the waters and nature herself were all teachers of the warrior.  In the wananga (school) of life, the sky is the roof, the earth is the floor and all life forms are teachers.

The Zulu peoples used the horns of a buffalo as a strategic pattern to defeat the British army in the 19th Century.  The Maori used the fern frond as a tactical pattern to encircle, envelop and crush their enemies.  It could be used as a tactical maneuver or a weaponry sequence. Look at the fern frond. Watch how it grows and spirals. Examine the fractal, self-similar patterns of the small shoots.  Notice the same patterns emerging.

Apply the fern frond metaphor to a problem you may have.  Encircle it from different directions. Look at it through different eyes. Approach it from different angles. Upside - down. Back to front. Inside-out. Watch a solution sprout from within your consciousness.  If you can do this maybe you won’t need to pay a coach.

Ordinary Mind - Ordinary Moments

As a younger man I worked in a hospital in Canada.  I noted as Christmas approached that some of the younger doctors would have a private bet on a rather unfortunate event.  They would gamble on who would have to give someone the news that they had cancer on the eve of Christmas.  There was no malice in this.  In fact it was a way of changing their perspective on an event that caused a surge of negative emotions. 

At that time in my life I was working with seriously ill children and when my own wife was expecting our first child I held a secret fear that my child too would not be healthy.  After all, my ordinary, normal life was filled with sick children.  It's only as I look back that I realise how much I was allowing my emotions to be swept along by factors that I could never control.  I never knew I had a choice.

Advanced martial artists work to create a state of mental and physical calm that gradually becomes a normal part of their everyday life; this state is known as heijoshin or "ordinary mind."  This state of ordinary mind is one that allows balance and calm at all times - irrespective of the events of the moment.

The secret to achieving an ordinary mind is to treat ordinary moments as special so that then even extreme or special events will seem everyday matters.  As Dan Millman once said, in truth, there are no ordinary moments.  Every moment of life is special from some viewpoint if we choose to adopt it.

Not don't misunderstand - I am not perfect.  We are all climbing up the same mountain and some people are ahead of me and some are behind.  It's just easier for us all to spot the attitudes and behaviours of others from our personal vantage points.

Do you ever really pay attention to the trees and flowers around you; do you notice the colour of the sky or feel the movement of the breeze.  Most of us are so tied to the events and commitments of our daily lives that we notice none of this.  There are hosts of things that we don't stop to notice.  Many people I meet would see my thoughts and views as pointless and then go back to the struggle of their existence.

Another view might be that these simple things are ordinary all right - but if you miss them you are missing the better part of life.

We were given senses to explore our world and the stream of data that bombards us in each moment is so vast and rich that we "delete" most of it.  It never is perceived at a conscious level. We filter it and reject most of it. Without conscious thought. What are we missing?  In one tiny slice of time we miss an infinite range of sensory flow and a universe of life experience.

The person who has come close to dying and survived, learns to revel in the beauty and uniqueness of each ordinary moment.  This person understands that these moments are what life is all about.

You and I can simply wait until it is time for us to die to experience the specialness of each ordinary moment, or we can take hold of this now and enjoy the rest of our lives.

Relax to release your talent

Most of us carry subtle tensions - and do so for so many years that we no longer know what real relaxation feels like.  One of the worst things about tension is that it leaks energy from us and prevents us reaching our potential for achievement with mind or body.

In Dan Millman's book, "Body Mind Mastery - creating success in sport and life," he cites a research study in which the movement abilities of six month old babies were compared with a group of professional football players.

The athletes tried to copy the movement and posture of these babies for ten minutes without stopping.  The perhaps surprising result was that not a single athlete could keep up and they all dropped out exhausted before the ten minutes were up.  The athletes carried so much tension that their movements were inefficient. 

Working with athletes to raise awareness of their body's tension or state of relaxation has many benefits.  Through relaxation strength and speed are enhanced.  Suppleness, stamina and sensitivity soar to new heights.  Its no surprise that athletes devote so much time to building muscular strength and power.  The wise ones understand the importance of relaxation.

I came to study karate at the relatively "old" age of 35.  After many years of powerlifting, wresting and rugby I was strong and I managed to intimidate my fellow beginners.  Nevertheless, as any practitioner will tell you, just like them after a few minutes of free style sparring and I was simply exhausted.  Following the mistakes of millions of beginners before me I didn't know how to relax and I was trying to use too much force.

Onlookers can't understand why it takes a year to learn how to punch properly in karate.  The key is relaxation.  The speed of the punch is ensured only by relaxing the muscles of the arm except for those that accelerate the fist to its target. At the instant of impact all the muscles of the arm and shoulder instantly contract with many muscle fibres recruited at once before relaxing just as quickly.  Disobey this practice and energy drains from you rapidly and your technique remains ineffective.

My sensei constantly reminded me in sparring never to gasp for breath but to relax and calm my breathing even though this seemed counter intuitive.  I realised eventually that gasping caused tension in my chest and diaphram muscles and this tension actually reduced my bodies ability to breath.  As our skills progressed we learned to disguise our breathing from an opponent - whilst timing our attacks to coincide with particular points in our opponents breath cycle.

I have known for many years that the body and mind are linked.  It took me many years to bring these principles fully into my business life.  Relaxation under pressure brings clarity of thought - and keeps us in a situation to respond rather than react.  When we try to use force with ourselves and others we  eventually run out  of energy. 

People have accused me of "pie in the sky" thinking.  Surely, I will get brushed aside by those people who can be ruthless and use force and deception.  But relaxation doesn't mean inaction or weakness in my world....

"The less effort, the faster and more powerful you will be..."
Bruce Lee